INVISIBLE DARKNESS: An Elena Duran Story 4/4
Vi Moreau (vmoreau@ADELPHIA.NET)
Mon, 17 Dec 2001 08:28:08 -0500
=20
Elena didn't move when she felt the presence of an Immortal, didn't even =
lift=20
her head from the sand. She deserved to die; she might as well make it =
easy for=20
whoever had happened on by. Footsteps scuffed through the sand and =
stopped=20
about four paces away. "Must have been one hell of a party," came the =
unamused=20
and sarcastic observation, and Elena slumped even deeper into the sand =
in=20
despair as she recognized that distinctive rough-edged voice. Connor =
MacLeod=20
wouldn't kill her, at least not like this, nor right now.
=20
Shit.
=20
After a minute, Connor came closer, then reached down to grab her arm =
and haul=20
her to her feet. She swayed, her legs so rubbery he was practically =
holding her=20
upright. She blinked with the light, the fog all aglow around them, the =
sun a=20
bright spot above the hills. "Where's your sword?" Connor asked after =
another=20
minute, and Elena tried to remember. "Where?" Connor repeated, pulling =
her=20
closer.
=20
"In the grove of trees at the monastery, near the statue," Elena =
answered=20
finally, staring at the ground.
=20
Connor didn't answer, just pulled her along beside him as she trudged =
once again=20
through the sand, trembling with cold the whole time. In the church =
parking=20
lot, he opened his car door and gave her a gentle shove inside. She sat =
there,=20
dimly conscious of the softness of the blue velour beneath her =
sand-encrusted=20
hands. The other car door opened then slammed, and Connor dropped her =
sword=20
onto her lap. Elena started to shudder, great shivers running up and =
down her=20
body. Connor started the motor and turned the heat to full, then pulled =
out his=20
cell phone and started to dial.
=20
"No," Elena said immediately, recognizing those first few digits.
=20
Connor paused, one hand in the air. "Duncan's worried," he explained =
with=20
elaborate patience.
=20
"Duncan shouldn't worry about me," she said. She wasn't worth it. And =
she=20
didn't want to talk to him.
=20
Connor nodded. "That's what I told him--that you always land on your =
feet, like=20
a damn cat." Before Elena could react to that left-handed vote of =
confidence=20
from the elder Highlander, he continued, "But Duncan doesn't think so. =
He=20
dragged me out of bed to help look for you," and Elena winced, knowing =
that=20
Connor wouldn't have taken kindly to that sort of interruption, not for =
her.
=20
"He might be down to the Point Sur lighthouse by now," Connor continued. =
=20
"Worrying all the way."
=20
"I'll call him," Elena promised. "As soon as I get home."
=20
"Now," Connor ordered, handing her the cell phone. "He's waited long =
enough." =20
When she hesitated, Connor muttered an oath and got out of his car, =
slamming the=20
door behind him, but giving her the privacy she needed.
=20
Elena kept the phone call short and simple: Yes, I'm alive. Yes, it was =
a=20
challenge. I'm sorry to have worried you.
=20
"I'll be right there," Duncan promised.
=20
"No hurry," she told him, not ready to face him. "Be careful driving on =
this=20
road. They drive like maniacs." She almost kept the trembling out of =
her voice. =20
Almost.
=20
"I'm always careful," he said with a smile in his voice, and added more =
softly,=20
"I love you, querida."
=20
She didn't deserve his love. Static crackled on the line, breaking the=20
connection, and Elena slowly turned off the phone. Connor immediately =
got in=20
and put the car in gear. Neither of them spoke on the short ride back =
to her=20
house.
=20
"Where is everybody?" Elena asked in dismay when he turned onto the =
driveway,=20
for no other cars were parked there. Duncan was still out driving, but =
had all=20
the others left already? Abandoned her?
=20
"Amanda and Richie took off for Santa Cruz right after you left last =
night,"=20
Connor answered as he turned off the car. "Something about riding every =
ride on=20
the boardwalk before dawn. Methos stayed at the house this morning in =
case you=20
came back, but we had to move his Corvette into the garage to get =
Duncan's car=20
out."
=20
Elena sagged in sudden relief, hardly noticing Connor as he walked =
around the=20
car to open her door. Methos was still here, gracias a Dios! She =
needed=20
someone old and wise, someone to talk to, someone who could counsel her. =
That=20
would help. Elena managed a small smile for Connor as she maneuvered =
herself=20
out of the car, and he half-smiled back, then escorted her all the way =
to the=20
portico and even opened the front door. He nodded once and headed for =
the=20
wooden stairs that led down to the tiny guest cottage nestled among the =
trees. =20
No doubt the buxom Shannon was waiting for him in bed.
=20
Elena twirled in the doorway and called out his name, so low she wasn't =
sure=20
he'd heard. But he turned back to her--impatient, she could tell. =
"Thanks for=20
helping me," she said. "Again." Connor had helped her get away from =
Bethel,=20
ironically enough. He had even killed Bethel on her behalf. She hadn't =
deserved that either, but she was grateful, and Connor deserved to know =
that,=20
right now, right away, no games between them.
=20
Brows arched slightly, he nodded in response, scrutinizing her, grey =
eyes on=20
grey, until she lowered her gaze, unable to meet his. Then he did =
something=20
unexpected--he came close and clasped her upper arm, squeezing softly.
=20
Elena's eyes filled suddenly at the kindness and sympathy in that small =
gesture,=20
but he had already turned and was jogging away, and she was left alone. =
She=20
didn't have much time; Duncan would be back soon, and she needed to talk =
to=20
Methos. She strode past the fencing studio, through the kitchen/dining =
area to=20
reach the glass-and-stone living room, a high-ceilinged space with the =
potential=20
of a magnificent view of the Pacific. This morning, the huge window =
revealed=20
only a muffling shroud of grey fog.
=20
Methos was sprawled on the easy chair in front of the fireplace, a =
steaming mug=20
of coffee in one hand and a paperback in the other. His eyebrows lifted =
in=20
amusement. "Well, look what the cat dragged in."
=20
Elena supposed she looked like hell; she belonged there anyway. Her =
chest still=20
hurt from when she'd been repeatedly shot, her stomach from vomiting, =
her=20
muscles and bones from being pummeled by the unforgiving Pacific. Sand =
had=20
gotten everywhere, even inside her eyepatch, scratching and chafing her, =
and she=20
hadn't even been able to wipe her tears for fear of getting sand in her =
one good=20
eye. She was still freezing cold, and she felt exhausted and sick. Her =
seaweed=20
covered-hair hung down in a mess, and her coat clung to her. She stank =
of fish. =20
Her boots would have to be thrown away, and she squished and left little =
piles=20
of sand on the carpeting as she walked.
=20
But she didn't give a damn about appearances right now. Elena walked =
right up=20
to his chair and in a trembling but purposeful voice, she said, "Someone =
told me=20
last night that I'm a black-hearted, cold-blooded, murderous bitch. =
Damned."
=20
Methos started laughing. "We all know that about you, Elena."
=20
His words, and especially his laughter, hit her like a hammer on glass. =
She=20
could actually feel herself shatter, painfully, into a million pieces. =
She=20
looked straight at him, unable to even hide how she felt.
=20
Methos sobered, his eyes narrowing in realization, and he set down his =
coffee=20
and his book on the end table as he stood. "Except you," he said =
softly. "You=20
didn't know it."
=20
"You'd know all about it," Elena sniped, wanting him to hurt just as =
much as she=20
did. "You know exactly how it feels, looking down from your pale =
horse."
=20
Methos' eyes narrowed even more, but before he could retort she came =
closer to=20
him still, and put the palm of her left hand on his chest. The backs of =
his=20
calves were against the easy chair--not a good position for him, she =
knew. He=20
grabbed her hands in a protective gesture, but she wasn't trying to =
attack him. =20
She needed to know. "How--how do you live with it?" she whispered =
urgently, not=20
meaning it as an insult or a put-down, but as a request for information, =
even a=20
plea for help.
=20
Methos nodded slowly, and she could tell he understood. She needed to =
know, and=20
if anyone could tell her, he could.
=20
Death could.
=20
He moved forward, pushing her back, then squeezed her hands hard enough =
to cause=20
her pain. The pain felt good. Methos started to speak, stopped, then =
shrugged=20
and said, "You live through one day. When that day is over, you live =
through=20
the next day, until--"
=20
"Until you can forget it?" she asked, having no real hope of that.
=20
"Not even close," he said grimly. "Not even after thousands of years. =
Never. =20
You never, ever forget. You live until you can accept it. Until you =
can accept=20
yourself."
=20
She shook her head. "I don't accept it. I can't accept it. And I =
don't much=20
like myself."
=20
He shrugged again and smiled slightly. "There's a solution for that, =
too,=20
although it comes with a price." Still holding onto her hands, he gave =
her the=20
answer. "Change, nina."
=20
She nodded. Of course, it made sense. It was logical, even desirable. =
But=20
changing who she was ... He made it seem so easy, like Albert Einstein =
made=20
science seem easy, like Duncan made swordplay look easy.
=20
Nothing easy about it.
=20
She took a deep, shuddering breath, then another, trying to steady =
herself. =20
First, recognize the problem. /I've done that part,/ Elena thought with =
grim=20
and certain humor. /I'm fucked. I'm damned./ That part wasn't hard at =
all.
=20
Second, work towards the solution: change. Elena snorted in despair. =
Oh, sure,=20
if she could can remake herself in some fundamental way. She couldn't =
do this!
=20
/All right, all right,/ she thought, gripping his hands tightly. /Maybe =
I can./
=20
/No, I can't!/ She was too close to him; she couldn't breathe. His =
touch was=20
stifling her, his closeness. Elena pulled her hands from his and moved =
away. =20
She went to the window, staring down at the grey fog writhing among the =
gnarled=20
branches of trees on the cliff below.
=20
Bethel had been right, and Pamela had been right, too. Connor would =
agree,=20
Elena knew, and Methos had confirmed it. Everybody knew it. She was a =
damned=20
cold-blooded fucking murderer, and she would never, could never change.
=20
"Coffee?" Methos asked, and she nodded, still shivering. Methos went to =
the=20
kitchen, and she went to sit cross-legged in front of the fire, letting =
the=20
warmth soak into her. A log popped, and tiny red-gold ashes flew up the =
chimney, just like her image of herself had been burned away, leaving =
only dark=20
ashes behind.
=20
After a moment, he came back and gracefully sank to the floor next to =
her,=20
handing her a cup of coffee, with plenty of milk and sugar, hot enough =
to sting=20
her still-frozen hands. Then he reached for his coffee and sat next to =
her=20
silently, sipping from his own mug. She held the cup tightly, trying =
not to=20
spill it with her trembling shivers, but she didn't drink. "No somos =
nada," she=20
said.
=20
"You think so?" he asked her. "That we're nothing?" He shrugged, took =
a=20
swallow of his coffee, then turned to face her. "We're all still damn =
careful=20
to stay alive, aren't we?"
=20
"Death is change, and we're afraid of change. I'm afraid."
=20
"I know. Fear can be a semi-permanent condition, overwhelming you, =
sapping all=20
your strength, all your will. You have to get past the fear, Elena."
=20
She smiled grimly. "No rah, rah speech? No 'You can do it, Elena!'?" =
she said=20
sarcastically. He said nothing, and she sighed. "Plus ca change, plus =
c'est la=20
meme chose," she whispered.
=20
"True," he agreed. "But that doesn't refer to people. Or it doesn't =
have to. =20
People can change. Believe me, I know."
=20
She shook her head. "Even if I can--"
=20
"It doesn't change what you've done. Of course not," he murmured, and =
as she=20
stared into the fire, Elena could feel his bright inquisitive gaze =
slicing into=20
that layer of silence she had wrapped herself in. But she needed to =
talk,=20
didn't she? Wasn't that why she was here? Maybe she could just get up =
and=20
leave, get away from him before he had a chance to hit her with one of =
his well-
aimed barbs ...
=20
"Who?" Methos asked, and that avenue of escape disappeared.
=20
The words weren't easy, but she forced herself to speak. "The wife of a =
Watcher=20
I killed. Tortured actually. Then murdered."
=20
"Ah-ha," Methos said, nodding. "I wondered when that would come round =
and bite=20
you on the ass," he said pleasantly, and she wanted to slap him, but she =
didn't=20
dare, and she didn't have the right.
=20
He continued in that same cheery, professorial tone, "Socrates really =
did say=20
that a life not examined is not worth living. And he was right. He was =
usually=20
right," Methos admitted, but more to himself than to her. "So now =
you're=20
reliving all the things you've done wrong. Not just this," he said, =
making an=20
encompassing gesture with his left hand.
=20
"Yes," she whispered. It was a hell of a long list.
=20
"And is there anything you can do to make things better?" Methos asked, =
sounding=20
like the host of a game show.
=20
"No," she said bleakly.
=20
"I'm not so sure. You murdered a few Watchers. Do you think going to =
their=20
families now, and confessing, talking to this widow again, saying you're =
sorry,=20
will--"
=20
"No!" she exclaimed, horrified, shocked into looking at him, remembering =
Pamela's burning hatred, her righteous contempt, her misery and =
loneliness,=20
imagining what the family members of all the other murdered Watchers =
would have=20
to say to her, and how they would feel. "Nothing."
=20
"Good," Methos said, the grimness of his face belying his earlier words. =
"Then=20
that's done,"
=20
"It's done?" she asked, looking at him quizzically, a little =
desperately. =20
"That's it?"
=20
"That's it," he answered.
=20
Elena closed her eye, opened it again. "There's nothing I can do," she =
said,=20
resigned.
=20
"No."
=20
No. She looked toward the window again. The fog lay in tattered =
remnants=20
around the tree tops, and the grey was lightening to white. The wind =
must be=20
picking up. "I just have to live with the guilt," she said softly. And =
the=20
self-loathing. And the utter certain knowledge that she was damned.
=20
"Yes."
=20
"I'm damned." Elena said it aloud this time, needing a witness even as =
she=20
closed her own eye and tried not to see.
=20
"That depends," Methos said. "Your particular deity is a forgiving one, =
isn't=20
He?"
=20
She shook her head, but admitted, "Yes, He is. But ..."
=20
"It wasn't that long ago," he suggested. "Maybe you can make things =
better for=20
the survivors."
=20
"How? You mean money?" she asked, disgusted. "Money won't--"
=20
"No, it won't," he interrupted. "I said make things better, not fix =
anything. =20
You can't bring back the dead, the ones you tortured and murdered," he =
said=20
harshly.
=20
She winced, nodding.
=20
Then he added in a quiet voice, "Dawson might be able to help you find =
out about=20
these families."
=20
/Going to Joe Dawson! I think I'm going to be sick! I tried to torture =
and=20
murder him, too. I don't think Dawson has ever forgiven me, either. =
Nor would=20
he. Nor should he./ But she couldn't think of herself, and Methos was =
right. =20
He usually was, just like Socrates. If she could do something to help, =
it would=20
be worth it. It could make things better, whether it made her feel =
better or=20
not.
=20
"Think of it as penance," Methos suggested. "Or payment. And consider =
yourself=20
blessed that you can still make *some* amends, to someone," he said,=20
significantly. "As for the rest, you just have to learn to live with =
it. And=20
try not to let it happen again. You have to make yourself a different =
person."
=20
"Like you did?"
=20
She watched him draw one deep breath, all he would allow himself. =
"Yes," he=20
answered.
=20
She shuddered, suddenly wanting wine instead of coffee. No, not wine. =
Scotch. =20
/I think I'll get really drunk on Scotch. Why the hell not? That sure =
hasn't=20
changed. But first .../ She looked over at this old man who, she =
believed,=20
cared about her--if only because he was the same as she was--a fucking, =
cold-
blooded murderer. He was giving her what she'd hoped for, a solution, a =
way out=20
of damnation. But she hadn't told him everything.
=20
Elena looked up at the picture over the fireplace, a drawing of the =
magnificent=20
stallion, El Negro, running wild and free across the pampa. Another =
Immortal,=20
Cassandra, had drawn that for Elena a dozen years ago, a symbol of =
freedom for=20
both of them: freedom from the horrors of their pasts, and the freedom =
to choose=20
to move on. But Elena now recognized that she had never gotten free of =
Bethel,=20
never *would* be free of Bethel.
=20
No, dammit. That wasn't true, either. It wasn't Bethel; it was =
herself. "I'm=20
just like Bethel," she confessed to Methos, while she painstakingly =
scraped away=20
some of the sand clinging to her clothes. "Just like him. I did =
exactly what=20
he did."
=20
Methos sighed through a grim chuckle, then stretched out his long legs =
and=20
leaned against the couch. "Now there's a philosophical question =
Socrates would=20
have grilled you on. Are we who we are, or are we what we do? Mother =
Teresa? =20
Hitler? Who were they, really?" He paused to let her consider, then =
continued,=20
"I rather fancy the first choice myself, because actions can be coerced, =
unwilling, impulsive, mistaken, even insane. But we can't get away from =
*who*=20
we are--as you found out tonight." He turned to face her, all traces of =
humor=20
gone now. "But you're not just like Bethel, Elena. He enjoyed what he =
did."
=20
/And so did you,/ Elena thought, staring in fascination into his ancient =
eyes,=20
seeing there, in spite of his bland expression, the savage butcher this =
man had=20
been. Elena shuddered. Yes, Methos had enjoyed it. Maybe a part of =
him still=20
did. No wonder Cassandra said she couldn't bring herself to trust him.
=20
"You never enjoyed it," Methos continued in a flat, even voice. "That's =
your=20
saving grace, nina, your lifeline." Earnestly, he urged her, "Take it, =
hang=20
onto it."
=20
Elena swallowed, grateful, and clung to that slim lifeline Methos had =
give her,=20
even at his own expense. She wasn't exactly like Bethel. And she =
wasn't like=20
Death, either. She never wanted to do that again, please God, never =
again!
=20
She finished her coffee slowly, then put the cup down on the hearth and =
stood. =20
Methos stood with her. "One day at a time," she said, putting on a =
brave front,=20
and he nodded. "Maybe I can do that," she murmured.
=20
"Now don't go getting too uppity," he chided her, his eyes sparkling, =
his usual=20
humor back once again.
=20
"Thanks for your help. Again," she said to Methos, just as she had to =
Connor. =20
Then, hoping to give him a lifeline, she added, "And Bethel would never =
have=20
changed. He didn't want to. That's what makes you different, viejo."
=20
"Does it?" he countered, suddenly vicious in his sarcasm, that thin =
veneer of=20
humor cracking open. "Bethel was ... what? Less than a hundred years =
old? How=20
can you know what he would have become? And how do you know," he asked, =
low and=20
savage, stepping closer and gripping her wrists in a quick and =
unbreakable hold,=20
"that I *wanted* to change?"
=20
Elena licked suddenly dry lips, her earlier fascination congealing into =
fear,=20
because Death was only a heartbeat away. Earlier, on the beach, she'd =
wanted to=20
die. But now she wanted to live. "Methos--"=20
=20
"Don't judge, Elena," he commanded harshly. "And don't *ever* presume =
to know=20
the future of another person's soul." They stared at each other, barely =
breathing, until he blinked a little and the Horseman disappeared. =
Methos let=20
go of her wrists and stepped back, then delivered a final stinging blow. =
"You=20
have enough to worry about with your own."
=20
Elena opened her mouth to reply, but Methos had already started to walk =
away. =20
She stood for a minute, considering. She was judging Bethel, wasn't =
she? =20
Maybe, given a chance, Bethel would have turned out differently. But =
during=20
most of his time on this earth, Claude Bethel had been a cruel, sadistic =
son of=20
a bitch, and Connor had chopped off Bethel's options when he'd chopped =
off=20
Bethel's head. And Elena didn't have any problem with that at all. She =
was=20
glad the bastard was dead. Damn glad.
=20
But Methos ... whatever the reason--time, opportunity, temperament--he =
wasn't a=20
cruel, sadistic son of a bitch, not anymore. She took a deep breath and =
followed Methos into the kitchen. "But you *did* change," she =
persisted. "And=20
that's your saving grace."
=20
"Yeah," he agreed sourly, lifting his coffee mug to her in an ironic =
toast. "My=20
only one."
=20
"Not your only one," Elena contradicted, shaking her head. "You're =
funny, and=20
you have a nice ass."
=20
His eyes narrowed. "Don't forget charming and kind," he said =
sarcastically.
=20
"You've been kind to me," she whispered.=20
=20
His mouth twisted in a wry approximation of a smile, and his tone =
remained acid. =20
"Because we're kindred spirits."
=20
"Because you changed. It's enough," she insisted, but his expression =
remained=20
the same, so she added softly, "It's enough for me," and she leaned =
forward, put=20
her hand on his chest again, and kissed him on the cheek.=20
=20
Another moment of locked gazes and suspended breathing, then he smiled =
slightly,=20
a genuine smile, and murmured, "Nice to know I pass muster."
=20
"Now don't go getting too uppity," she chided, and Methos laughed aloud, =
and=20
even Elena managed a chuckle. Then she said briskly, moving away from =
him, "I'm=20
going to get cleaned up."
=20
She stepped outside, crossing the courtyard to get to her bedroom, =
thinking,=20
/One thing at a time, one day at a time./ For the rest of her life. =
She=20
paused with her hand on the handle of the French doors to look over her =
right=20
shoulder at the sea. The sunshine had finally broken through the fog, =
and she=20
could see a tiny piece of the sky, looking a perfect blue. Elena took a =
deep,=20
calming breath. Soon the fog would lift, and the sky would turn all =
blue, one=20
little piece at a time.
=20
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D
=20
the end
=20
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D
=20
Many Thanks to:
=20
Robin, Shelley, and Bridget, who convinced us to write the story.
Tanja and Teresa, who walked with us through motivation and plot.
MacNair and Harlene, who found those pesky missing words and brought up =
some=20
more things that needed fixing.
=20
=20
Translations: (all Spanish)
pendejo - insult to a man suggesting he has no balls
por el amor de Dios; os lo suplico; por favor; no me quemeis; lo que Ud. =
quiera;=20
no me haga eso mas - for the love of God; I beg you; please; don't burn =
me;=20
whatever you want; don't do this to me again
matame de una vez - kill me and be done
gracias a Dios; Madre de Dios; Dios mio - thank God; Mother of God; my =
God
carajo - double damn
estancia - combination Argentina ranch/farm
perdoname - forgive me
aya - governess/companion/teacher to a wealthy child, usually a girl
Dios te salve Maria - Holy Mary, full of grace
mea culpa (Latin) - my fault (religious term)
querido/a - beloved
nino/a - boy/girl
no somos nada - we are nothing
plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose (French) - the more things =
change, the=20
more they remain the same
viejo/a - old man/woman
=20